HOW TO BUILD INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
HOW TO BUILD INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
Intimacy
simply means having a sense of oneness and belonging to one another, having a
wholesome knowledge of one another. Intimacy means having the capacity to work
through our fears, a willingness to make mistakes, and be graciously forgiven.
It takes time
to build real intimacy in a marriage relationship. Good and functional
marriages do not just drop from the sky. It is a product of two mutually
consenting couples who have committed themselves to the success of their
relationship.
For real
intimacy to develop in a marriage relationship, the couple must observe one
another closely, to understand their strengths and weaknesses. The couple must
endeavor to accept one another unconditionally. They must not put undue
pressure on their marriage by demanding drastic changes in the lifestyle of
their spouse. Where changes are desirable, they should be allowed to flow
naturally in love and grace. Each partner should feel safe in the relationship.
While staying emotionally connected, they should not be afraid to feel
vulnerable in one another’s company.
How can we build intimacy in a
marriage relationship?
For a better
appreciation of this question, I will like to look at the subject of intimacy
from four perspectives. They include emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical
intimacy.
Emotional Intimacy
Emotional
intimacy means the opening of hearts to one another. No pretenses. No sweeping
of grievances under the carpet. If you are always recoiling into your shell at
the slightest sign of a disagreement or argument, you will never be able to
achieve emotional intimacy with your spouse. To achieve emotional intimacy, you
must choose to speak out your feelings, no matter how bitter or painful it may
sound. But you must do this in a manner that will not increase your hurt or put
undue pressure on your relationship. As a couple, you must develop the capacity
to show appreciation and gratitude to one another. In attaining emotional
intimacy, learn to live without keeping secrets from one another. Set your
emotions free.
Mental Intimacy
Mental
intimacy means the meeting of minds, a one-on-one connection between spouses in
areas of mutual interest. For instance, what are the mental activities that
spice up your marriage? Do you enjoy sporting activities such as soccer,
swimming, basketball, volleyball, squash, golf, badminton, chess, and lots of
other activities too numerous to mention? Do you love to listen to good music,
watch interesting movies, participate in seminars and conferences that add
value to you as a couple? Or do you love to discuss politics, entertainment,
and social issues?
These are
activities that promote intimacy in a marriage. Look out for an interesting
passion that you and your spouse may engage in. Invest your spare time in these
areas. Let them become part of your leisure. Make a decision to enjoy these activities
together, and you will see your marriage blossom.
Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy means having a common understanding of God and his principles and choosing to make these principles the foundation of your lives. To attain this, the couple should choose specific times of prayer, preferably at dawn before setting out for the daily activities and before bedtime. An hour of prayer at these times is ideal for the couple. There should also be times set aside for fasting and study of the Scriptures. This could be during the weekends to enable the rest of the family to partake in
the exercise. This will enable you and your spouse to grow in love and perfect spiritual bonding.
Moreover, as
a couple, you should belong to the same church or spiritual foundation, attend
the same services together, and receive spiritual instruction from the same
spiritual authority. All spiritual activities should be jointly done. This
encourages intimacy and spiritual harmony between the couple.
Physical Intimacy
Physical
intimacy means achieving a high level of understanding of one another’s
physical needs and becoming totally committed to meeting those needs.
Most often, physical intimacy can be erroneously interpreted as sexual
intercourse. But this is certainly far from the truth. It is possible to enjoy
sex without any form of intimacy between the partners. Physical intimacy is
therefore deeper than just sex.
To achieve
physical intimacy, you need to create time for both of you to be together
alone, a time to chat, play, and be in each other’s arms. At such times, no
visitor should be allowed to intrude or spoil your fun. It is just your time
alone. You should also endeavor to share the same bedroom, take your baths
together as often as possible, and eat your meals together. If you cannot
partake of breakfast or lunch due to work pressure, please by all means
make your dinner a great time to look forward to.
Finally,
engage in good sexual intercourse as many times as possible. Couples that enjoy
quality sex hardly have long-lasting squabbles. Good sex is like oil to a
machine. In the same manner, oil eases tension in a machine, good quality sex
can ease the tension in any marital relationship.
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